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equality

Study Finds Tinder App Turning People Into Trash

Recent undercover agents have discovered that the popular dating app Tinder is actually not a dating app at all but a computer database designed to turn humans into digital-to-literal disposable commodities.

Tinder_WTC_1
Pitmon, 23, enjoying the first few days of her life on Tinder before drastically being transformed into a plastic water bottle.

Sally Pitmon, 23, a poli-sci graduate student coming out of a major break-up decided to “go for it,” and downloaded the Tinder app three days go. In just the first day she had already 50 matches.

“I don’t know,” Pitmon said, “I probably have swiped left on over 200 potential matches. I’m beginning to feel like these people aren’t even people anymore.”

Bryan Bode, 26, CPA, whom Pitmon swiped left on, and who has been on and off Tinder for two years, said this:

“I basically don’t even feel like a person anymore. It’s like I’m a plastic water bottle. You get me? I quench someone’s thirst and then I get thrown away.”

Tinder_Conspiracy
Bode, 26, contemplating if he’d rather jump into the eternal Mother Earth trashcan of life to then become a real-life ghost, or if he should return to quenching the thirst of thirsty women on Tinder, forever doomed to become a plastic water bottle of a man.

The undercover agents had this to say about their findings:

The brilliance of the dating app Tinder is its ability to utilize the positives and negatives of our capitalist system. We’ve narrowed it to 4 main components.

  1. Leverage people’s loneliness.  Make them feel like a connection to something real is just one message away.
  2. Design it so only superficialities can come through so no one gets attached or knows in advance they’re really wrong for the other person.
  3. Make it into a fun game! What’s more fun than scrolling through your phone imagining different people who could be the one (or the one for the night!).
  4. Create a sense of FOMO. Yes, a person could go out with another person who is funny, smart and hot, but make it feel like there is someone else out in the world who is funnier, smarter, hotter! The only way to truly know is to dismiss funny, smart, hot person (aka ghost them) and keep playing.

“That’s a bit extreme. I’m actually having a lot of fun!” Pitmon said after hearing the discoveries made by the undercover agents.

Bode, who happened to be in the same room as Pitmon and found out through one undercover agent’s slip of the tongue that Pitmon had indeed swiped left on him, rolled his eyes, “Says the new woman to Tinder. Just you wait.”

No comment on whether the tone of that “just you wait,” was menacing or not.

Needless to say, Bode will not be quenching Pitmon’s thirst.

And Tinder wins again.

 

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According to Latest Polls: 48% of Human Voters in Alabama Actually of Alien Origin

Alabama, Aliens, Roy Moore, and Our Last Hope for Humanity

The recent senate race in Alabama between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones reveals that at least 48%* of the supposed human life forms in this state are actually not of human origin.

Theories have been discussed for decades regarding a possible alien invasion in the state of Alabama. Besides the nearly constant reports of UFO sightings in the area, theorists believe that due to the Alabamians love for greasy foodstuff, anal sex, and faux Christian-like behaviors, that a majority of the humans in the heart of Dixie have been infiltrated to completion–bodies, minds, and spirits– and taken over by creatures not of this Earth.

It’s believed that these life forms are Bambeedles from Ala-Ala Island on planet Grossconian–two galaxies away from Earth.

The Bamdeedles look like fat turkey-walrus hybrids but can shapeshift into human form easily due to their development of a substance called Bitterbutterbee, which is also used to cure one of the Bamdeedles most prominent diseases, a type of hemorrhoids that occur often due to their love of greasy foodstuff and their over-indulgence in anal sex. (They also have three anuses, but that is an irrelevant piece of information.)

The Bamdeedles are a male-dominated society; Earthlings would consider the Bamdeedles pedophiles as the males are known to begin sexual relations the females of their culture when they are as young as six.

It’s well known that the male Bamdeedles from Ala-Ala Island use and abuse the females as if they are property and not of the same equal status, even though the females are known to be of higher intelligence. The females have worked for centuries to overcome the power imbalance, but are often raped and/or murdered before being able to make any strides toward equality. All females are killed after the birth of their second offspring or by the time they reach 24–regardless.

Decades ago it was discovered that several intelligent Bamdeedles females were recruited by their male counterparts to invent a way to travel through space and time. One theory suggests that they made it as far as Earth, Alabama to be exact, where the males from Ala-Ala Island killed their fellow female space travelers and were then stuck on Earth because of their inability to figure out how to drive their ship back (or even how to turn the damn ship back on).

Of course, the Bamdeedles who were left on planet Earth, right in the state that is called Alabama, didn’t know what else to do, so they shapeshifted into human beings and started eating all the greasy foodstuff and having anal sex with pretty much any living creature they came in contact with.

Aliens in Alabama
The potential site in Alabama where the Bamdeedles first landed.

It’s been decades since the invasion and theories suggest that at least half of the population of this state is actually of Bamdeedle origin and this is why voting for a politician like Roy Moore was actually an easy-peasy choice.

It could even be that Republican Roy Moore is a Bamdeedle himself, which would explain away the allegations of sexual misconduct, which to any sane human is completely and totally unacceptable, but to the Bamdeedles is just their way of life. It would also explain why he thinks his male superiority should allow him to have power over an entire state even though he doesn’t really know anything and even though he treats a large majority of the population of earth creatures with hatred and disdain.

There is one hope though, other conspiracy theorists think that Earth horses are actually equinoid aliens and that Sassy, the horse Roy Moore rode into town on in order to vote, will soon overtake his place in politics and work to restore order in the state of Alabama.

It is unclear how to stop the spread of Bamdeedles through the state of Alabama, and it’s true they may have already begun to infest other states in the region, but a small community of people have been discussing possible options for their destruction.

All we can do now is hope that Sassy and her herd of badass equinoids will come to our rescue and restore the humanity of Alabama–and of our dear planet Earth.

*Numbers are currently updating vote by vote

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