What The Evidence: Found Object String-on-a-Stick #6753
Date: December 2017
Location: 25th & Ogden, Denver, Colorado, USA, Earth
Alien Butt Violin Paraphernalia Found in Denver
A recent discovery reveals something not from planet Earth.
Found along the streets of Five Points, Denver, Colorado.
What appears to be an apparatus that from planet BoomBing home of the Buttchippa. A highly intelligent, superior species that prefer to “YOLO,” though they have a much more evolved terminology regarding that phrase that us mere humans would not comprehend.
According to planet BoomBing experts, the Buttchippa are typically 6 to 9 inches tall; half of the species is incredibly fat while the other half is absurdly thin, yet, unlike humans they are non-gender-binary. It’s entirely genetic whether one is super fat or super thin and no Buttchippa thinks one is more beautiful than the other, it’s a non-issue. The Buttchippa are sound-oriented. They survive, thrive, heal, kill, become aroused, and reproduce through the art of sound.
Researchers and scientists suggest that the shape, size, structure, and location of discovered artifact all point toward this particular species, though there are competing theories as to the purpose of said found item.
How did it get here?
Why did it get left behind?
Could the Buttchippa use it in their behinds?
Leading scientists have decided to call this object String-on-a-Stick #6753. There are currently three major theories as to what this unidentified alien object ‘String-on-a-Stick #6753’ is and what it does and If it does indeed belong to the Buttchippa.
Here Are The Three Major Theories of found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 In Minor Detail.
1. Generic Everyday Butt Violin
The Buttchippa are musical creatures. They enjoy a good rhythm, a good song. The way they tend to mate with one another is through what we would call classical butt rubbing, while they each sing the sounds of ooh-la-la. Sometimes the Buttchippa find typical butt rubbing to get rather dull. To spice things up, they’re known to add toys into their sex play. Some researchers believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 is a Buttchippa butt violin.
The butt violin works exactly like it sounds, one Buttchippa glides the butt violin through the cheeks of another (or alone along their own butt cheeks if they’re solo-explorers) back and forth, in and out, up and down in order to create noises like the ooh-la-la but different, more like ee-ea-ouu.
Buttchippa also give birth through their anuses, so the generic everyday butt violin could be used as a device to help guide baby Buttchippas gently through the dark hole into bright light.
2. A Sound Instrument
Some experts believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 was not created for literal sex acts, but is similar to a violin inasmuch as it is used like an instrument for the Buttchippa to play, sort of like humans do in bands, except better because they clearly understand sound more than Earthlings do.
3. A Weed-Whack-Snip-Trim-A-Kabob
The weeds on planet BoomBing are delicate, yet create a disharmony that the Buttchippa find unnerving. They’re known for their elaborate gardens because certain plants attract bee-like creatures called Buzzingas that make a sweet sweet song that put most Buttchippas in a trance-like escastic daze. The weeds attract Waspadoodles, tiny creatures that make noises that sound like a mixture between a yapping lap dog and a incredibly loud wasp (like one basically just buzzing right in your ear for hours at a time). The Buttchippa do not care for the Waspadoodles and thus they must eliminate what the Waspadoodles thrive on, the weeds. Hence why some scientists believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 is some sort of weedwhacker, line trimmer thing. Because the weeds on planet BoomBing are so fragile, all it takes is a string and a strong arm and the Buttchippa can fix up their yards in seconds flat (unlike Earthlings whose middle-class species tends to their yards week after week to no avail).
Unwarranted opinion: Why can’t it be used for all three things?
Researchers are still investigating. What the Conspiracy will update once more information on found objec String-on-a-Stick #6753 (aka the tiny butt violin) is released.